As summer comes to a close and fall gets underway…the looming winter months can cause many an impending sense of coldness, depression and isolation.

Recently, a number of my clients have been trying to understand why they haven’t manifested a new love and relationship.

  • Why they can’t find ANYONE “good” to date?
  • Why no one asks them out?
  • Why they feel unable to make a relationship work?

And, eventually, they ask me,”What am I doing wrong”?

I never like hearing this question, but my answer is always the same….NOTHING! You are doing nothing wrong.

Identify

As I mentioned, as we approach winter, we are often scared of what that cold isolation will feel like…especially knowing that the holidays are an emotional time for divorcing/divorced families and without a romantic interest to share them with.

We are in what is called “Early Winter”, a time when preparation for the winter ahead is necessary.

Carol McClelland, in her book titled “The Seasons of Change”, identifies the following as signs that you are experiencing early winter:

Seasons of Change by Carol McClelland

1. You feel incredibly tired.

2. You don’t want to do what you usually do.

3. You feel like you don’t know anything.

When I am asked “What am I doing wrong”, it usually means that you are working TOO hard to get something that you may not have clearly identified as wanting?

What do I mean by this?

Well, attracting and manifesting love or a romantic interest/relationship is less about the “guy” and more about you.

The following myths are what usually hold us back from attracting and receiving a new love:

Myth #1: There are no “good” guys out there.

If you feel this way, it is the first sign that you are not clear about what you truly want in your “ideal” relationship.

There are HUNDREDS of great guys out there…the same as there are fabulous women. They are not, however, PERFECT! But…neither are you.

Myth 1 - No Good Guys

The truth is that you will NEVER find a new relationship unless you are crystal clear about what you want and what your ideal relationship looks and feels like.

Most women THINK they know what they want, but when forced to really explore and identify what they want…it is most often different than what they thought.

You will attract what you focus on, so be clear about what is REALLY most important to you in a relationship.

Myth #2: If I go on as many dates as I can, I will eventually find “the one”.

Finding a relationship is NOT a numbers game. There is no truth to the thought that the more men you date, the greater the chance of finding the right one.

Myth 2 - Go on lots of dates

As a matter of fact, dating for the sake of dating can be a lonely, isolating and depressing activity.

Better than spending your time “serial dating”, take some of that time to do the things you LOVE to do…the things that make you feel HAPPY and FULFILLED!

Take a walk, spend the day visiting museums or galleries, take a class, learn a new skill or hobby, create special time with your kids or friends….

Focus on what you LOVE to do and the rest will happen!

Myth #3: No man wants a 40 or 50 something divorced woman.

This is not only untrue, but a wonderful EXCUSE that many of us make!

Myth 3 - No Man Wants to Date an Older Women

There are as many men, single fathers, who feel as unsure as there are women! We are all under the false assumption that our age, roles, responsibilities….will prevent us from attracting and fully embracing a new romance.

You are all familiar with divorce statistics, so you are also all aware that there are THOUSANDS of single/divorced men and women out there.

When you focus on this as your EXCUSE for not manifesting a new relationship, then you are engaging in self sabotage. If this is your focus, then this is your energy and exactly what others…including men, will feel from you.

When your focus is on YOU and all of the amazing gifts that you offer as a woman, mother, friend….then this becomes what others will feel and be attracted to.

Myth #4: I will be happy when I have a man.

Hmmmm, now this is the biggest myth of all!

NOONE but YOU is responsible for your happiness!

Everyone, man and woman, wants to share their time with people that are happy and fulfilled.

Myth 4 - I will be Happy when I have a man

The greatest mistake that is made is to believe that when you have a romantic relationship, all of your “challenges” will miraculously disappear and that you will float on clouds of happiness all day!

As divorce women and single mothers…we have many areas of our lives that need our attention. Our intimate relationship is only one of those areas!

The greatest gift you can give yourself is to create a life that is full of joy and fulfillment so that when you do attract a loving relationship, you can SHARE it with him/her!

When you focus your attention on creating this kind of fulfillment in your life, you will attract people that want to feel that kind of joy and energy!
Early Winter is the perfect time for gaining clarity on all of these areas! McClelland suggests that this is a time to renew, create quiet time in your life, reconnect with your essence, and practice purposeful reflection. And, she also cautions against the following, which she feel pulls you to “detour” from what you really need to be doing:

  • staying busy – DON’T create busyness to avoid the self reflection that is needed during this time
  • starting something new – DON’T create something new that will distract you from the planning to find clarity and a solid direction
  • forcing yourself to be happy – DON’T pretend to be happy when you really need to heal from old transitions

I hope this helps to prepare you for the wonderful Winter Solstice that is in our future!

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