When I went through my divorce, my ex-husband and I did not have what one would call a “separation”. We made the decision to divorce and from that moment on we worked tirelessly to make the transition as seamless and amicable as possible for the sake of our children
As a result, things did go smoothly and I made every conceivable effort to maintain a “family” feeling for my children.
Unfortunately, I learned over the next few years, that there is a vast difference between “emotional separation” and an actual divorce.
They are two different processes that need to be addressed in two different ways.
Many of you have shared with me your ongoing difficulty in communicating with your soon-to-be-ex husband as the divorce process moves forward. Managing the emotions of communicating with him becomes a challenge with accomplishing the tasks that need to get done for the divorce process.
The reason that you are having this kind of difficulty is that you have not “separated” the Emotional Experience from the Business Negotiation.
This is not an easy task and my research suggests that there is no rulebook on how to do it.
The following are the 5 steps that I use in working with clients to begin this process:
Before you can make any progress in separating these two parts of the process, you must fully understand what you are going through and why this kind of separation is necessary.
Most people cling to the emotional piece because even if it is challenging and unpleasant, it still represents a “connection” to your husband and is familiar. When you begin the separation of the emotional and business aspects of the divorce, what you will feel is overwhelming sadness.
It is important to understand what you will go through so that you are prepared for it when the going gets tough!
Once you understand what the process will look like, it is time to begin to gain clarity as to:
- what you want and need from the divorce negotiation
- what you want your life to look like
While you are dissolving your marriage, or divorcing, you will need to begin moving forward on your own and creating a new divorce lifestyle.
Exploring what that new lifestyle will look like can be frightening, even if you are looking forward to creating an extraordinary life. Whether your marriage was good, bad or horrible…it was still FAMILIAR. Getting used to unfamiliarity and discomfort will be the hardest part of this journey.
Learning to create boundaries in your life can sometimes prove to be more challenging than you think.
All of these relationships are going to be changing and it is YOU who gets to create the way that they look. You get to manage your boundaries.
For example, while going through the “business negotiation” of your divorce, your lawyer is the one who communicates your wants, needs and requests to your husband through his attorney. It is not necessary to talk through these issues with your husband…especially if the conversations become emotional and unproductive. Setting boundaries around how and what you will communicate with your soon-to-be-ex is critical to this process.
The same holds true for each of these relationships.
4. Self Care
This will be difficult and emotional process. During this time, it is most important that you take care of yourself; mind, body and soul.
As your fear and lonliness settle in, being prepared with the strategies to take care of yourself so that you are nurtured during this time will be key.
Be gentle with yourself and create rituals and practices that calm you, give you courage and help you stay focused and on track.
5. Personal Action Plan
As you begin this separation process, it now becomes time to develop your Personal Action Plan. This plan will take into account all of the areas of your life that need your attention.
One of these areas is the Business Negotiation of the divorce. However this is only one small piece. The others are:
As you can see, each of these areas will need your attention and unless you have a clear plan for each, the overwhelm will paralyze you.
You are not SUPPOSED to do this alone. No one is! Rather, knowing what you need to do is the first step, the second step is to give yourself a chance at success by getting support.
It is not only possible to move gracefully and happily through this process, but probable if you make a commitment to yourself and work hard at it.
I am here to support you and to help you move forward. And you are here for each other. Together we can create the life you WANT and DESERVE!
I specialize in extraordinary communication; listening skills and my cognitive process of understanding are seen as my supreme gift.
Simple, simpler, simplest is my mantra.
I will never leave any woman asking “What am I supposed to do next?”
I believe in a woman’s higher purpose, no obstacle will stop you from getting to your goals.