Here’s how my day started.
As the phone rang, I waited for Drew to answer for our daily morning call.
“Good morning beautiful!” His voice expressing joy at hearing from me.
“Hi honey…good morning! So, I have decided to kick it up a notch…it is time to put my pre-spring fitness, nutrition and beauty plan into place! I am committed to being bathing suit ready in the next 90 days…I haven’t been feeling great about the way I look. I’m going to rock this middle age body!” (I giggle…)
“And I am going to kick it up and enjoy that beautiful middle aged body when I get home tomorrow.”
Drew and I have been in a relationship for just over 7 years. We met on Match.com about 3 years after my divorce, when I had done the hard work of creating my new life as a single mother, spent three years getting back my sexual mojo and set clear intentions about what I wanted a new and next relationship to look like.
I don’t often do this, but I have chosen to invite you into my most intimate of relationships, my love partnership.
Darling, I have been there.
I have been in a marriage that didn’t work and ultimately led to divorce.
I have dated a lot (and I mean a lot!).
I have had many one night stands, more than one friend with benefits and a handful of short term, not so successful relationships.
And now I have a partner…an intimate, love filled, juicy and romantic lover and best friend.
We have no plans to marry, at least not in our foreseeable future; however, I learned a long time ago to “never say never”.
I have decided to let you inside our relationship because while the loving, yummy conversation I shared here with you is one that I get to experience almost every day, it is not at all reflective of the raw and real life we share; and I thought you deserve to know the truth so that you realize that there is no such thing as “perfect”, no matter how things may appear from the outside.
While I am a Jewish, highly educated, MBA holding, spiritually awakened, mother of two boys having been raised in an upper middle class family, Drew is an Irish Catholic, didn’t-finish-college, rough around the edges, tobacco chewing, somewhat redneck father who was raised in a blended, strict, not quite upper middle income family.
He is nothing that I ever imagined my partner would look like, and certainly does not represent the “list” of attributes I had once created outlining what my “perfect mate” would be.
However, he is my perfectly imperfect and ordinarily extraordinary partner, and I his.
Here are a few reasons why…
He thinks my stretch marks are sexy…because I do. My body is strong, healthy and is the vessel that produced the two most amazing children I have. It isn’t perfect and I won’t be winning any body building contests, but I take care of it because I want to feel good in and about it. When I feel good about it, so does he. He loves my body (and my sensuality and femininity) and we both enjoy all the fun that comes when he is loving it.
He wants to show up…as do I. While I am immersed in personal growth and development work, he is busy being focused on selling “big iron” construction equipment. He doesn’t always want to be “coached” or bombarded with inspiration and empowerment, but he does want to love me, and shows up each and everyday with that as his first priority. He wants to know what I want and need in the same way that I want to know what he wants and needs. We check in with each other regularly to make sure we are in touch with how to best love each other in the way that we each desire.
He takes responsibility for being happy, healthy and whole…like I do. It is not his job to be responsible for my health and happiness, nor is it my job to be responsible for his. We are able to experience so much more depth, expansion and overall connectedness because we share our own joy and fulfillment with each other rather than seek it from one another. We are committed to creating our own happy and healthy lives as individuals so that we can do the same as a couple; and when we do, it is double the fun. He has lots of things in his life that turn him on, and I do as well. There is nothing more enjoyable for me than listening to his rambling stories about the one (many) that got away after a long day of fishing with friends.
He makes me laugh…and I am a great audience (kinda). Drew is really funny. Not the telling jokes kind of funny, but an observer of real life and making it hilarious kind of funny. In fact, our sense of humor is so similar that I have wet my pants more than once laughing hysterically… and he doesn’t care! At this age and stage I have virtually no bladder control and his relentless pursuit of making me giggle doesn’t always end well. (and truth be told, at this point he considers it a personal victory if I don’t make it to a restroom!)
He is okay with messy…and not the clutter around the house kind of messy. Life as two divorcees, parents of four kids in our blended family and managing a long distance relationship for the past three years is messy. It is complicated, sometimes frustrating, and frequently creates challenges in our relationship. He stands strong in his masculinity when the going gets tough even though we have had a few“near relationship death” experiences. We have had conflict over the raising of our children, dealing with love and finances, and navigating our independence versus partnership boundaries. They have been difficult moments, full of tension and requiring extremely hard work and a deep commitment to the love we share over being “right”. But we hang in there. We talk with kindness, compassion and extreme honesty. We listen with an open heart and mind, wanting to truly understand how the other is feeling. It is hard. It can be aggravating. And we are not always in the mood. And yet every day we make a conscious choice to be in love and do whatever it takes.
There is no such thing as perfect. Ever. But there is what feels good and what fits with what matters most.
Sustainable love requires learning intentional love skills; that don’t always come naturally. You will need to be committed to learning how to love… yourself and each other.
If you are not feeling fully ready to show up in your dating life, relationship or marriage, I hope you will allow me to help you get there!
I’m bringing back my free, 30 minute Love Chats!
Just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line Love Chat, tell me what’s going on for you in love, and we will schedule your complimentary chat!