Yesterday I turned 49, and to be honest, I am grateful that it is not my 50th.
Don’t get me wrong, I have loved the journey of aging, but in so many ways, good and surprising, I am not at all where I imagined I would be as I enter this 50th year.
I never imagined that I would go into this new year single, without the loving relationship I so deeply desire;
Or that I would live in a tiny rental home.
I never imagined that I would just be starting to build my retirement plan, and have marginal savings in the bank;
Nor did I imagine that I would wake up on my birthday scared and alone, wondering what my future will look and feel like.
I never imagined that I would doing my most serious career/professional visioning and planning at this stage and age;
Or that I would be looking at the future caretaking of my parents without a partner on whose shoulders I could lean.
I never imagined wanting to travel and explore so desperately; and hoping to find a person/people to do it with;
Or feeling frightened at the magnitude of the uncertainty of my future.
Yes, this is the raw and real truth of my unexpected life journey.
I never imagined that I could be so fierce, feminine and resilient;
Or that I would feel as healthy and strong as I do.
I never imagined that I would be blessed with two children who have grown into the most extraordinary young men;
Or that I would have built such an impressive resume and credentials; and done it slowly over time.
I never imagined I would live by the ocean; in a cozy, delightful cottage that feels like I’m on vacation every day;
Or that I would be starting on a professional journey that will be more exciting than I ever anticipated.
I never imagined that after raising children I would have so much energy and that the world would lay before me, waiting for me to touch, feel and experience everything I desire;
Or that the deepest, truest and most amazing relationships I will create actually lie in the uncertainty of what comes next.
I never imagined being blessed with the most loving and incredible family;
Or the abundance of magnificent friends.
I never imagined that would have the courage to be unapologetically and authentically who I am in every way;
Or that I could feel so completely free (even if it scares the shit out of me).
I never imagined I could be so ready to receive deep, intimate, audacious love;
Or how much I can’t wait to bestow it on the man who claims me in every way and that I crave to bestow it with every ounce of my being.
I never imagined that I would love being a woman so much;
Or that the power of my feminine could feel so good.
No, I never imagined that this would be where I am.
But I am grateful.
And ready for what is yet to unfold.