Yesterday I turned 49, and to be honest, I am grateful that it is not my 50th.

Don’t get me wrong, I have loved the journey of aging, but in so many ways, good and surprising, I am not at all where I imagined I would be as I enter this 50th year.

I never imagined that I would go into this new year single, without the loving relationship I so deeply desire;

Or that I would live in a tiny rental home.

I never imagined that I would just be starting to build my retirement plan, and have marginal savings in the bank;

Nor did I imagine that I would wake up on my birthday scared and alone, wondering what my future will look and feel like.

I never imagined that I would doing my most serious career/professional visioning and planning at this stage and age;

Or that I would be looking at the future caretaking of my parents without a partner on whose shoulders I could lean.

I never imagined wanting to travel and explore so desperately; and hoping to find a person/people to do it with;

Or feeling frightened at the magnitude of the uncertainty of my future.

Yes, this is the raw and real truth of my unexpected life journey.

And yet…

I never imagined that I could be so fierce, feminine and resilient;

Or that I would feel as healthy and strong as I do.

I never imagined that I would be blessed with two children who have grown into the most extraordinary young men;

Or that I would have built such an impressive resume and credentials; and done it slowly over time.

I never imagined I would live by the ocean; in a cozy, delightful cottage that feels like I’m on vacation every day;

Or that I would be starting on a professional journey that will be more exciting than I ever anticipated.

I never imagined that after raising children I would have so much energy and that the world would lay before me, waiting for me to touch, feel and experience everything I desire;

Or that the deepest, truest and most amazing relationships I will create actually lie in the uncertainty of what comes next.

I never imagined being blessed with the most loving and incredible family;

Or the abundance of magnificent friends.

I never imagined that would have the courage to be unapologetically and authentically who I am in every way;

Or that I could feel so completely free (even if it scares the shit out of me).

I never imagined I could be so ready to receive deep, intimate, audacious love;

Or how much I can’t wait to bestow it on the man who claims me in every way and that I crave to bestow it with every ounce of my being.

I never imagined that I would love being a woman so much;

Or that the power of my feminine could feel so good.

No, I never imagined that this would be where I am.

But I am grateful.

And blessed.

And ready for what is yet to unfold.

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